“If you do not raise your eyes you will think you are the highest point.” - Antonio Porchia
Here’s to the full four months of stupidity I have unleashed unto this world. Here’s to the naivety that I mistook for happiness and optimism. Cheers, New Year, to the happy-go-lucky attitude that I adopted – which only produced a hole for me to sit in. And yes, I had the cojones to call upon others to throw me a hand and pull me out.
While no regrets have been spewed as of yet, it is fully comforting to connect the nodes – to see it [the problems] as they really are. Nothing, I find, is as satisfying and as grueling all at once.
On the other hand, I am concerned that I am having less and less moments like these. I am now treading in adult territories and I won’t have little crises to keep me on track every week. Adults are their own compass and sometimes, you don’t find out if you’re going the wrong direction until a long while after when there is little water left in that flask to save you. I no longer have age or inexperience to blame. Life only gets more complicated as I grow older. There are more connections to more people. I can no longer just have two feet for myself. One foot for me. One foot for them.
That said, I have yet to fully comprehend the depth of the unchartered territories I went in with. I am unhappy to say it was done with a stumbling stupor. I knew I was being unkempt, foolish even but I was relentless. I couldn’t bring myself to really think about things in the long-term and I was taken advantage of. Repeatedly. I just wanted to be a “grown-up” and skip away like a happy flower child. Fucking hippies aren’t around for a reason.
I needed this self-realization for four long months and it makes me wonder where I’ve headed. It’s frightening.
Sadaf Ali
